…is for advanced learners only. please do not attempt this without the supervision of a bona fide russian expert:
1) lament the fact that you are forced to drink vodka without food (keep it short, but be sure to mention that the only way you can overcome your infinite sadness at the lack of food is by drinking your sorrows away).
2) turn your head to the side and exhale all the air in your lungs.
3) down vodka in one gulp.
4) immediately sniff your left forearm (note ‘forearm’ – you are not checking for b.o. here but fooling your senses into thinking that you actually do have food. ignore the fact that this is rubbish).
5) repeat steps 1) to 4) until you start sniffing other people’s forearms, legs, etc.
6) get into taxi, drive all over city looking for flat, randomly saying any and all russian numbers with 3 in them to confused driver in the hope that one of them is your block.
7) arrive outside block, tip taxi driver two months’ wages as you can’t get your head around currency when sober, let alone after a couple of carafes of cedar nut vodka.
8) engage mind fully on task of cracking code to flat stairwell lock. it is 3 digits long. imagine it is like the lottery – it could be you! it isn’t.
9) randomly push numbers on key pad – you have to be in it to win it! you don’t.
10) wonder if nose is numb from sub-zero temperatures or from evening of repeatedly rubbing it against forearm. ignore mild panic at the back of your head about hypothermia and imagine you are tom cruise in ‘mission impossible’ dangling from wires. concentrate memory – narrow eyes and frown to aid process of concentration. collapse on step with hilarity at own uselessness/possibility of dying from cold yards from your flat/piece of lint on your glove/etc.
11) apologise twice to woman in nightie who eventually opens the door – first in italian, then remember, go back and repeat in russian. sniff your forearm to show how sincere you are.
12) emerge from coma next day and wonder why left sleeve of shirt is covered in snot and spittle.
