…: fact. i’m not an actual scientist in the traditional sense of wearing a white coat and fiddling with test tubes and knowing anything about science, but, as i understand it, cow gas is pretty much responsible for global warming, and we have so many cows in the first place because all the selfish cheese-eaters in the world put their lunch ahead of global apocalypse. until recently, i was prepared to forgive you all the destruction of the planet for the sake of a little cheddar. however, everything has changed now.
specifically, what has changed are the mosquitoes in my flat. i have no experience of mosquitoes and when they moved in at the beginning of last week i was more than happy to welcome them, show them round, chat over some vodka and blini, etc. but no, that wasn’t good enough – they wanted blood. my blood. my actual real factual existing blood. vampire-like, they steal upon you in the night, knife their vicious little proboscis into your vein and suck the juice of life from your sleeping body. if you ever wake from your sleep again, which you may not given the amount of blood loss involved, then you will have joined the undead.
naturally, my first thought was revenge. i considered bingeing on some free radicals but there weren’t any to hand, so my thoughts turned to old testament violence. while not quite prepared to bite them and suck their blood, i was willing to splatter them all over the wall. armed with a flat palm, i scoured my flat the next day for any sign of these dracula-manqués. unsurprisingly most of them were hanging upside-down from the ceiling, but i found one within reach on the wall and whacked it. mistake. it died alright, but in so doing it unleashed all the blood it had taken from me or someone else or possibly even someone else. it went everywhere. i was aghast. it was like the moment in alien when they realise the aliens have acid for blood. they were unkillable.
my next recourse was to find a flame-thrower or some kind of agent orange with which to bring the war to the mozzies’s front-room. however, when i went to my local arms-supplier i was told they had nothing because the mosquitoes were almost a month early due to global warming. we are isolated in siberia and supplies have to be planned many weeks in advance. i’m paraphrasing here, but basically the shop assistant said we should still have snow on the ground at this time of year but what with all the people eating cheese and encouraging cow growth, the planet had heated up.
the only thing left for me to do was shut my windows to keep the mozzies out. however, the heating is centrally controlled here and it is still on as they don’t switch it off until early may because they haven’t realised the effect all the selfish cheese-eaters have on global warming. it is like sitting on a radiator wearing a40-tog duvet in a greenhouse on the equator in the middle of summer. specifically, it is 18 degrees and the heating is on 24 hours a day. it is ridiculous. so now i have a choice – i boil alive with what little blood is left me or i let myself become a kind of living gro-bag for mosquitoes. whatever i do, i get no rest. it’s either too hot to sleep or i daren’t fall asleep because i know they are there, waiting, in the dark, to suck my blood. it’s a choice between being undead or being undead. enjoy your cheese sandwich.
